It's kind of an existential question that I haven't asked myself in a while, but one that I found coming the forefront of my mind today, god knows why. I haven't come up with a definitive answer yet, don't know if I ever will. Not that I spend a great deal of time trying to reach a conclusion; I'm not sure there is one. I'm not the same person I was yesterday, and I'll probably be different tomorrow. That being said, I don't think I'll ever be able to come up with a solitary, static, consistent reply. Aside from the ongoing modifications to my Self, I'm not sure I could nail this one down. I feel I know myself pretty well, but answering that question (to me) is kinda like trying to grasp infinity of the Universe, explain what being "in love" is, or figuring out how to truly "stop" Michael Jordan in his heyday. Just cannot be done.
The smart-ass inside, the flip side of me has a number of answers. Who am I? I am the walrus. I am the lizard king (I can do anything ((Jim Morrison/The Doors)). I am Speed Racer (in a slower car). Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Ask it any way you want, emphasizing any of the three words. The spin is somewhat different, and the answer(s) may be as well.
Who I am goes far beyond the junior high-esque answer: son, grandson, friend. It also includes system administrator, Iowan, child of the 80's, Scorpio, dog owner, liberal, moody/sensitive/difficult/vexing/passionate/maddening/contrarian SOB, speed junkie (velocity-related, not pharmaceutically), beer/vodka snob, Shih Tzu fanatic, yada yada yada. It's also an issue that cannot be addressed, examined, or indulged by a smattering of surveys (as entertaining as I find them) designed or intended for posting on MySpace.
Sometimes the people in our lives can help answer questions like this. Maybe if I got input from everyone I know, if I collected a "Who is Brian?" essay from all my close & casual acquaintances, I could compile the replies & come up with 95% of the answer. I'm kinda sorta ashamed to admit - it's sad to say in a way - that there's no one single person in my life, either someone I know now or have known at any time, that knows everything about me. I guess everyone gets me to some degree or another. "Get me" as in 1) understand me and 2) "gets me" as in the percentage of the real me, the whole me, that I may choose to give. Some get Brian on 4, some get Brian on 9, but I'm not sure anyone gets or has gotten Brian on 10.
Obviously some people know me better than others. My friends of 10+ years know me far better than those friends I've just met in the past year. The duration of acquaintance is directly related to the degree, length, or depth to which we know one another. That seems to be a somewhat elementary assumption, a given. I think my ex, who I was with for 8+ years, and have known for 9+, probably knows me better than anyone else. My friend Jay, who I've known since pre-kindergarten, probably knows me just as well, but knows different things about me & in different ways. But I don't know if either of them knows 100% of me. I'm kinda thankful that nobody does, cuz otherwise my circle of friends & those who talk to me, support me, tolerate me, and just plain old deal with me would probably be much much smaller. ;o)
I don't think I'm alone in admitting that nobody knows everything about me. I think those people that say another person knows everything about them - all of their hopes, fears, dreams, likes, dislikes, pet peeves, etc. - are probably lying to themselves. It may be true, but I'm highly skeptical. I think everyone holds a little piece of themselves back, no matter how close they feel, how intimately involved with or emotionally bonded to another person. I think we might want to be able to bear our souls to another en toto, but I don't think it happens. I think to go that far leaves one almost too vulnerable, too naked, too able to be exploited, manipulated.
As much as I pride myself on being honest as a tenet & principle of life, I guess admitting that nobody knows all of me, and that I've intentionally made this so, is some form of dishonesty. I also think that's a philosophical point that could be debated endlessly, and has no right, wrong, final, or definitive answer. The rub is this: is an omission of fact a lie? And when it comes to a subject this personal, who can pass judgment on another for what they choose to disclose or not? Too complex, too twisted, too subjective...not going farther with this little aside. Back to our regularly scheduled program & topic of discussion...
Examining the question "who am I", and how much we let others know our true inner selves also begs the question of why do we hide our whole selves? Insecurity? Embarrassment? Fear of not being liked or loved? Fear of being rejected, fear of being manipulated, having our buttons pushed? Fear of not fitting in? Fear of scaring the shit outta ourselves or someone else with what's inside, what lies beneath? The answer is probably D: all of the above. I think it also has to do with how comfortable we are with ourselves. Not only our degree of comfort with facing the truths of our lives, but with how comfortable we are in general, kind of a reflection of our degree of social comfort or socialization. I think it's another logical assumption that those persons who tend to be more shy or more introverted probably let less of themselves show than the extroverts. This may be way off-base, just a guess on my behalf. It's also logical that those who've been burned by close friends, family, or in a relationship build walls, and are probably (intentionally) harder to get know going forward. Self-preservation, self-protection. It goes without saying that the degree of openness also is contextually based; it's not proper nor necessary for casual acquaintances – such as in the workplace – to know your paranoid delusions, obsessive-compulsive habits, deepest wants or weirdest self-indulgences, etc. But in order to truly be close to another person, as in an intimate relationship, these are the kinds of truths that gotta come out.
I know that speaking for myself, I'm a constant work in progress. As stated before, I'm different today that I was last week. Check in with me around Memorial Day, and I'll probably be different yet again. So letting someone else know me all the way, aside from being a terribly bold, audacious, and in some cases foolish endeavor, is also futile in the sense that all of "who I am" right now is not the same "who I am" as it will stand in the future. So if the answer to "who am I" that I may give next year is different from the answer I give today am I guilty of lying, or is it just evolution, inevitable change?
Like debating the greatest NBA dynasty ever (being biased I still give the nod to the 90s Pippen-Jordan Bulls over the Celtics of the 50s or 60s, and Lakers of the early 80s), vanilla vs. chocolate, Seinfeld vs. Cheers, etc. this is a question that may never be answered. But it's fun to debate, interesting to think about, and if you spend enough time mulling it over, flipping it around & looking at it from different angles, you may learn somethings about yourself that's new, different, or may otherwise have remained hidden from view, languishing in the shadowy corners of your mind & soul. Now whether you reveal that to someone else, or include that when answering "who am I" is another thing, and totally your own business.
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