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I gotta say that this blog post is very different for me. I usually don't get into dating, relationships, topics of that ilk. I run on & on about emotional issues but not relationship-type emotional issues. This is kinda new, to put this side of myself out there. Maybe a bit scary, but also cathartic. Anyway, on we go...
For some reason, as of late, I've been thinking about my past relationships. I don't know what brought this on, cuz I'm not prone to dwelling on the past. I try to take lessons from past experiences & apply them going forward so as to either repeat successes or avoid failures. But by & large, the past is the past; what's done is done ya know? Today & tomorrow are where I focus.
But anyway, in thinking about past relationships, I realize that there's one person w/whom I wish I could have a do-over. There's one person w/whom I had a relationship that didn't end badly; I didn't screw her nor did she screw me. Neither of us had character flaws that made us incompatible, nothing major about one that made the other nuckin' futs. There was no cheating, lying, or other deception. No drastic differences in life goals or wants that made being together impractical.
These are good things, but in sum it lends itself to leaving me asking "why", wondering what I could've done differently (if anything), or what would've made the relationship last beyond mere months. It's kinda hard to put my finger on why the relationship ended. I guess I chalk it up to bad timing in our respective lives. I can't help but wonder what would've happened had we met at a different place & time, some other stage in life.
Of all the women I've dated or been exclusive with, all but one had something that doomed us as a couple. Character flaws or show-stoppers like a lack of integrity or honesty, drastically different oulooks on life, life goals, or other personal issues. In some instances it was my outlook on life or goals, or personal issues, that spelled D-U-N, done. In some cases either myself or my partner subjugated parts of ourselves for the supposed good of the other, but in the end that doesn't work either, just not healthy. But there's this one instance in which none of that occurred, nor was it relevant or applicable. So it's this one person & experience that leaves me asking "what if", or "why".
I've had some relationships end, and immediately thereafter left me asking those questions. But in time I found the answers, and the reasons were clear. Those I'm totally comfortable with, due to some event that brought closure, or the eventual realization that we just didn't go well together. In the end both parties are/were better off not being together. But not this one; I have none of that here.
So whattya do w/this? Just accept it, make peace w/it, and move on? If I abide by tenet of living for today & tomorrow, I guess that's the best approach. Unless Superman comes to life & flies around the Earth fast enough to rewind time, I can't change what was. Sometimes I've had such startling cases of deja vu, that I really wonder if we're not reborn. I don't think we're reborn as cats, or squirrels, or whatever, but I've had to seriously wonder if we're reborn into the same life, w/another chance, until we "get it right". That's how vivid, how real, and in some moments how startlingly real the deja vu has been - that I'd swear I've been "here" and "done that" before (wherever the "here" and whatever the "that" are). But I digress, not getting into religion or spiritual stuff, not this post anyway.
Life is funky, and I s'pose the possibility exists that our paths will meet again, and who knows, maybe we get another shot. I've lived long enough & seen enough to believe that anything is possible. But if not, I guess I resign myself to accepting what was not then, and what IS now. I can't say I'm haunted exactly, but this one has me flummoxed.
I believe strongly in Karma, and to some degree fate & destiny. I think that we're given options along the road of life, but by & large I think there's a path we're kinda meant to follow, and events we're meant to experience, for better or worse. Living by that precept (and accpeting the past for what it is), I should just stop thinking about it, and her, and move along. Mostly I do, and have. But this recent promotion of her memory into my conscious from sub-conscious mind got me on the topic, hence this post.
So anyway, that's that. I think I've thought enough for now, and said what I had to say. It's a picture-perfect November day here in FL, and my mental alarm is going, my mental to-do list is scrolling. Next up: pour a cocktail & cook some fowl over fire. In layman's terms: drink & grill. Have a great Thanksgiving holiday everyone!
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