It's been a while since I've blogged, long overdue. I've been blogging in a way, more like micro-blogging via Twitter. I was really skeptical about Twitter to begin with, but I've found it's usefulness to me: just shooting out the random little thoughts that occur to me during the day. I don't have a particular slant or purpose (other than to entertain) nor a specific theme I Tweet about, I just let it go. But as much as I enjoy it I know I need to blog more & concentrate on writing a piece on a singular theme. So that's why I'm back.
Anyway, on to the theme of being single. I guess this came to me as Valentine's Day is a couple of days away, and well, I'm single. I'm not a hater single with an axe to grind against happy couples. That's not me by any stretch. I'm single, and am very happy being so. With the exception of one three-month relationship in '09, I've been single since July '07 (or maybe earlier depending on when you peg the end of my last relationship).
There's a vast, important difference between being alone and being lonely. I'm the former, certainly not the latter. I've come to like being on my own, and aside from work & civil law, really being accountable to no one but myself. Three days a week I make an appearance at the office, sit in my bunker (cube), and socialize with my co-workers, some of whom I consider true friends. I come home & connect with friends via Facebook, and with other people via Twitter. So while I live alone, I'm not really 'alone', and I'm a far cry from lonely.
For one, I have two dogs who generously allow me to share their house. My dogs are great companions. I got my first dog Kaya in '98, when she was 8 weeks old.
At that time I had two roommates, and even living with them & having a very active social life, she still became a great friend, a great partner. I mention this just to put to rest any premature diagnosis of "another single guy overly attached to his pets & using them to compensate for lack of a relationship". But for those who have shared their lives with companion animals, you understand what I'm saying & where I'm going.
So I have my dogs, and I have face time with my friends at work. I have the Bay Area MINI owners too, who are a great group. I have regular, healthy contact with my family. So with all this, yeah I'm alone, but I'm certainly not lonely. In fact, there are days that I cannot wait to get home to the peace & quiet of my own home, enjoy & fill my own space but get away from Everyone Else.
I think it's healthy to have time by yourself. I'm highly suspicious of people that hop from one relationship to the next without time to breathe in between. If I meet a woman like that or sense that pattern, I'm downright wary if not heading the opposite direction. Everyone needs to spend sometime on their own. Give you a chance to get to know yourself, to like yourself & love yourself. It's kinda true that you have to reach that level f & have that ability before you can really do the same for another.
And of course being single means being totally in control of your schedule. That's an obvious one, I'll admit. But it's true. I eat when I want, watch what I want on TV, spend as much time on the computer as I want. I dress how I want, stay up as late or get up as early as I want. In the car it's my choice of music, and as loud as I fucking want it. It's Freedom. And it's nice. I spent 8+ years of my life committed to one woman & her two sons. I worked for them, provided for them, subjugated my wants for them, supported them, and in essence lived my life for them. Except for the moronic financial decisions I made as part of that couple & the aftershock of said calamity, I don't regret it. It's totally giving yourself to another or others. But on the flip side I realize I lost a lot of myself. Brian the individual didn't really exist as such. In that sense it wasn't the healthiest of relationships, but that's not what this post is all about.
I realized after I physically left that relationship how much I gave, and how much (of me) I had lost. All that has been rediscovered over the past 3.5 years. Currently I answer to my boss, my family, my dogs, and that sense of what I consider to be Right. I could call it God, or my calling to be a good world citizen, or simply my conscience, but it all results in the same behavior. I'm a much more diverse person today as compared to who I was in July '07.
After going through all of that I have a new perspective on life, and on relationships. I know that you really need someone that complements you and can be part of your life, not your whole life. A relationship should be a Want, not a Need.
It took me a long time to get to where I am now, but I guess it was a journey that had to be taken. I'm 41, but I don't stress about getting married or having kids of my own. If it happens, it happens, and it's meant to be. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I've come to learn that all things happen when the time is right, when it's supposed to. I try to take care of myself, and deliver what's expected to those to whom I'm accountable, and to Live Right. But beyond that I don't sweat it, I don't get antsy or anxious about being alone. I'm confident it'll happen - I'll find the next relationship - when the time is right for me and for whomever the future woman might be.
I hope that you can feel the same if you're not in a relationship. And if you are, make sure it's balanced & healthy, and that you are yourself, and true to yourself.
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