Random Thoughts (Saturday, December 08, 2007)

DISCLAIMER: this blog is mine & mine alone. Thou shalt not blame family nor friends nor employer for what you may read here.

Today
So it's Saturday, up earlier than expected - and hoped for. Once my mind gets going it's hard to shut it off, or mute it so that I can rest peacefully. Wish I could turn this damn thing off sometimes. Wish I could just unplug it kinda like the ethernet from my cable modem, stop all data transfer. Had a lot on my mind lately, and once the conscious takes over, that's it. Asleep & dreaming is about the only time I can find peace as of late, and even then dreams occur, only to be recalled & thus add more fuel to the fire.

Life is good, yet there's so much going on: job, house, the holidays, other unresolved issues, ay carumba. I almost wish I could grab the Universal Remote of Life & fast forward thru til, oh say, February or so. I don't wanna wish my life away, nor do I wanna miss out on the good & not-so-good, but still...

Make up your mind...
One thing that drives me nuckin' futs is indecisiveness. I can't be too critical, as I end up a hypocrite. When wandering thru the grocery store I have a hard time figuring out what I wanna eat for the week, what sounds good. Which movie get from Hollywood Video or record on the DVR. I guess when it comes to relatively trivial things like that indecisiveness is relatively harmless. But when it comes to bigger more pivotal issues, you gotta make up your mind & go w/it. Can't flip-flop when it comes to big things like jobs, moving, life choices, etc. I'm not sure who said it, but someone said "failing to prepare is preparing to fail". Pretty true in many ways. If you fail to look ahead, knowing yourself truly & wholly and what you want, and take steps to achieve that, acquire/attain it, or make it happen, you'll fail. Can't live your life in the future, you gotta enjoy each day, each moment that you're given, but by the same token if you don't take steps to get what you want, or where you want, you'll never get it, get there, and often opportunities will pass you by due to lack of planning & indecision. I'm not one of those people that can answer the common "where do you see yourself in five years" interview question, but I can see six months, a year out.

Honesty
Is omission lying, a breach of honesty? Outright lying is obvious misconduct, but what about omission? What about misrepresentation? I think the latter two cases are dishonesty (omission & misreperesentation), and almost nothing bothers me more. I know a lot of people lie or omit details in order to spare another's feelings. In the vein of being honest I'd have to admit I've been guilty of that myself in the past. But more & more the whole truth & nothing but the truth is of the utmost importance. Being hurtful & caustic is just mean, but speaking the truth even if it hurts feelings or causes disappointment is better than deceit.

On the lighter side
My Tampa Bay Bucs are playoff-bound (knocking on wood w/one hand as I type w/the other), which is pretty damn cool after losing more than they won by a 1:3 ratio last year. I've gotten to see some games this year at the stadium, and have bucked up for playoff tickets, so early next year I'll get to see my first NFL playoff game live. And next year it'll be a full regular season slate, and I cannot wait!

I wish I could be as good a person as my dogs are. Dogs love unconditionally, and forgive in a hurry. No matter how shitty my mood is, my dogs love me & are happy to see me. Dogs love their human companions more than they love themselves, which is a rarity among any living being regardless of species. A co-worker of mine sent a long list of dog-related quotes and/or philosophies, some of which I'll post here sometime. One quote was (more or less): "you can take a dog in, feed him, love him, make him successful; he'll be appreciative, love you & won't bite you. That's the primary difference between dog and man." Another: "dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole". True dat...

Forgive & Forget
That was the title of an old TV show (late 90's) hosted by Mother Love. A person/someone w/an unresolved conflict would come on the show, tell their story, and the offender or subject of their angst would ask for forgiveness. The offended had the choice to forgive them, or forget it. I try to forgive those that've crossed me or wronged me, but I never forget. That's part of being a Scorpio, and probably human in general. It's hard to let past wrongs go sometimes, and even move on w/out apology or penitence. But it's also self-destructive to let these things eat at you & consume you. At some point you have to let go, which is something I need to work on. Forgiveness is hard, but I can do it when I really try. But forgetting, huh-uh. Never. That's a challenge when someone who's hurt you or done you wrong in the past comes back & wants to be a part of your life again. Whattya do? I struggle w/that on a regular basis. I guess you have to come to your own conclusions, reach some end that makes you comfortable, achieve or strive for some sort of peace. After all, what's past is past, done is done & cannot be changed. Maybe you forgive, maybe you forget (or erase people/places/things/events from memory)...

Well, my fingers are tired (the keyboard keys are stiff, and after being on a PC 37.5 hours each week, I typically tire of typing temporarily), so it's time to close off. Take care, do your best, live life honestly & w/fore-thought, and decisiveness.

Moving in

For the past couple of years I've been maintaining my blog on MySpace. I had a MS profile, then ditched it, and resuscitated it only to blog again. But I find myself using Facebook more & more, but admittedly, I don't feel like posting my writings there. So, I'm gonna move everything from MS over here in the space of the weekend just to update the blog here, and keep track of all my old, random thoughts here for future review & reflection, hopefully to spawn more, or mutate into something slightly different.

Things you keep, things you don't.

Disclaimer: per usual this blog & the contents are mine & mine alone, and no reflection on my friends, family, or employer.

Part I
For some reason I was thinking about friends today, and my seeming lack thereof. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do are close, and many know me better than I know myself. My closest friends live many miles away, different states most of 'em. But they're the ones I know I'll stay in touch w/'til I die. They celebrate the good times w/me, my victories in life. The mourn my losses & sympathize w/my pains, as I hope a friend would. But I've had many friends along the way, or people that I called friends, and it turns out that maybe that title was inaccurate. My advice is that if you really wanna find out who your friends are, move. Leave town, leave the state, and see who stays in touch w/you. Those that take the initiative to call, e-mail, text message (txt msg), those are your true friends. Even if you don't see them for years on end, they're still the ones that deserve that title. I worked w/some people for years, and thought we were great friends. The relationship extended beyond the workplace, we did things socially, I knew their significant others, their kids, visited their homes. But once I moved, the ties disappeared. If I don't call or e-mail, I don't hear from them, as if I've died or dropped off the face of the earth. None of these were short-term friendships either; I had worked at our common places of employment for no less than three years. We had things in common, shared a sense of humor, non-work interests, etc. But again, once I left town, they're not to be heard from again. I know life moves on, and everyone nowadays is busy, but damn...are friendships that easy to find, and so easily disposed of? Not to me. So again, if you question who your friends really are, move. You'll learn the truth in a matter of months, if not weeks.

Part II
Tattoos....I have four, and am awaiting #5. The artist is currently redrawing the original image I found online to meet my tastes, slight alterations as a tailor might hem some pants or take in a dress. This is the first "custom" piece that was drawn up by an artist, all the others, while somewhat unique in their own way, were taken from the tattoo shop's flash. I got my first tattoo over 15 years ago before they became sheik, commonplace. The artist that inked me said that tattoos become addictive: you get one, you want two, two becomes three, etc. Sure enough, he was right. Approximately a year after my first, I had my second. About four years after that, my third, then two years later, my fourth. And now, after a five or six year gap, #5 is in the works. All my tattoos have particular meaning to me, and none were done on flights of whimsy. Two of the pieces represent happy times, tributes to people, places, and times that I'm fond of & have committed to ink. The other two are reminders of more painful events in my life, and the inner strength it took to truly survive them, and come out a better person on the other side. Both events that spawned that two most recent tattoos were break-ups w/my girlfriend or female significant other at the time. Funny how most people try to forget & bury painful experiences, yet I've decided to keep mine w/me forever. Weird how that works. Each time I look at the tattoo(s) I remember the person & events that caused me to get the tattoo, so even though I've moved past the hurt, gotten over the pain & grown because of it, I carry it w/me forever. I guess that like physical & emotional scars we all have, these are just a couple more visible reminders of where I've been & what I've been through. The only thing I struggle w/is how to remember my dogs. My dogs are more than pets, they are companion animals, and companions in my life. Partners, best friends, but more than just pets for sure. I consider it a privilege to share my home & my life w/them. However, as I have four dogs now, and as they pass will undoubtedly get more, each of them holding a unique, special place in my heart, how do you honor each one? Some people have tattoos of their kids' names, or portraits, but if I did that I'd be covered! Speaking of names, that's one thing I've never had tattooed on my body, and probably never will. You rarely see a marriage or other relationship that lasts, so IMO, getting another person's name (that of a partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.) inked on your body is a foolish venture. I guess for some it's a commemoration of a special time, a special person, but as they so often do you wrong, that's not something I'd choose to take on (or have put on me).

Closing Time
I have nothing more to add for now, my fingers are tired & my brain empty. I hope you have a great weekend, enjoy yourself, live in the moment, and live life!